And tends to
react by: |
- Reminding
- Coaxing
- Doing things for the
child that he/she could do for him/herself |
- Fighting
- Giving in
- Thinking “You can’t
get away with it” or “I’ll make you”
- Wanting to be
right |
-
Retaliating
- Getting
even
- Thinking “How could
you do this to me?”
- Taking behavior
personally |
- Giving up
- Doing for
- Over
helping
- Showing
discouragement |
And if the
child’s response is: |
Stops temporarily, but
later resumes same or another disturbing behavior |
- Intensifies
behavior
- Defiant
compliance
- Feels he/she won when
parents are upset
- Passive
power |
- Retaliates
- Hurts
others
- Damages
property
- Gets even
- Escalates the same
behavior
|
- Retreats
further
- Passive
- No
improvement
- No
response |
If the BELIEF
behind the CHILD’S behavior is: |
- I count (belong) only
when I’m being noticed or getting special service
- I’m only important
when I’m keeping you busy with me |
- I belong only when
I’m boss or in control, or proving no one can boss me
- “You can’t make
me” |
- I don’t think I
belong so I’ll hurt others as I feel hurt
- I can’t be liked or
loved |
- I don’t believe I can
so I’ll convince others not to expect anything of me
- I am helpless and
unable; it’s no use trying because I won’t do it right |
What
theCHILD NEEDS and what ADULTS can do to ENCOURAGE |
Notice Me – Involve
Me
- Redirect by involving
child in a useful task
- “I love you and ___”
(example: “I love you and will spend time with you later.”)
- Avoid
service
- Say it only once,
then act
- Plan special
time
- Set up
routines
- Take time for
training
- Use family
meetings
- Touch without
words
- Set up nonverbal
signals
|
Let Me Help – Give Me
Choices
- Decide what you will
do
- Let routines be the
boss
- Get help from the
child to set reasonable and few limits
- Practice follow
through
- Redirect to positive
power
- Use family
meetings
- Acknowledge that you
can’t make him/her and ask for his/her help
- Offer limited
choices
- Withdraw from
conflict and calm down
- Be firm and
kind
- Act, don’t
talk |
Help Me I’m
Hurting
- Apologize
- Avoid punishment and
retaliation
- Show you
care
- Encourage
strengths
- Use family
meetings
- Deal with the hurt
feelings “Your behavior tells me you must feel hurt. Can we talk about
that?”
- Use reflective
listening
- Don’t take behavior
personally
- Share your
feelings |
Have Faith In Me –
Don’t Give Up On Me
- Take time for
training
- Take small
steps
- Make the task easier
until the child experiences success
- Show faith
- Encourage any
positive attempt no matter how small
- Don’t give
up
- Enjoy the
child
- Build on his/her
interests
- Encourage, encourage,
encourage
- Use family
meetings
|